After some time in Italy you may be surprised to find that, in 2018, there are still so many nostalgic Italians proudly claiming to be fascist. You may be tempted to explain this with the well-established fact in sociodemographic studies that every country has its fair share of idiots.
Of course, there are Trump supporters in the US, British people who adore the Queen and the other useless members of the royal family, and fundamentalists wearing long frocks who devote their lives to a God… like the ones in the Vatican State. But fascists are not nostalgic idiots, and I will try to prove that there are many reasons to believe that fascism can still be fashionable in the 21st century.
Fascist Fitness
Nothing beats the good old fascist days with respect to fitness. Goose steps are of course a well-established way to stay fit and get those monster quads we all crave. Using the Roman Salute when greeting friends on the streets is also an excellent way to define your delts (just make sure you alternate arms so as to prevent muscle asymmetry!)
Balilla Diet
Staying fit and slim also means a healthy diet, and our beloved Duce Mussolini made sure that Italians didn’t suffer from the widespread obesity of modern days. Detox diets were already popular and a large part of fascist life. The use of castor oil was common and encouraged by authorities, who prescribed it for free to dissidents. Anxiety, which increases the metabolic rate and caloric expenditure, was also maximised by means of the constant threat of being arrested and interned without the need for the luxury of useless trials or legal trivialities.
Being late on time
There is nothing as unfashionable as being on time, which is why Italians are so good at being late. But precise lateness is not random and needs to follow some strict, undefinable rules. It’s a well-known fact that during fascism trains were always on time, giving Italians the possibility to plan their lateness appropriately.
Black is the new Black
Living in a dictatorship doesn’t mean that you can’t dress with style. Your slim and fit body will look great in the obligatory black shirts and grey trousers. Top it with a nice aerodynamic shaved head a la Jeff Bezos, and the swag levels will be high.
Millenials savings
Millenials are not well known to be good at saving, but this would change in a military dictatorship. The constant threat of war, combined with the complete absence of foreign imports or forms of entertainment would immediately instil the will to save in even the most spendthrift millennial.
Make Italy Great Again
Let’s face it, globalization and multiculturalism are out, while autarchy and racism are in. While it’s difficult for leaders of modern democracies to express their racism without reaction from uptight, politically correct bigots, this is not the case in a fascist regime. The good old fascist racial laws would ensure there were no immigrants to take your jobs, while at the same time eliminating the unfair foreign competition each summer with respect to suntans. Some of us may have to get used to doing jobs we would have previously rejected, and in any case did not have the skills for, but blue collar jobs can be exciting and cool in a black shirt and a tanned, fit body.
So, fascists are not necessarily outmoded nostalgic idiots, and a good old-fashioned military regime can be as hip as vegan craft beer. After all, you can’t spell fashionista without fascist (well, if you are a fascist you probably can’t spell that well anyway)
