Dear Prime Minister May,
As part of the ongoing Brexit negotiations, we have decided to accept your requests regarding the freedom of movement for British citizens in order to avoid a Hard Brexit. In exchange, however, we have decided to terminate immediately the long-term loan of European words to the English language.
I attach a list of some of the loanwords in question, together with suggestions for alternatives that your language already possesses, and which we regard as more suitable to your newly developed distaste for cosmopolitan attitudes.
P.S. It would be great if you could come to Brussels next week to discuss the matter face to face over moules frites, waffles and some real beer.
President of the European Parliament
LIST OF WORDS ON TEMPORARY LOAN TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (part 1 of 148)
Persona Non Grata – Prick
Siesta — Post-Prandial-Nap-For-Lazy-Mediterraneans
Bon apetit – no translation necessary for British food
Toilette – Shitplace
Aperitif – PrePints-Pint
Au pair – Sexy-young-squatter
Digestif – Postpints-pint
Lingua Franca – English
Que serà, serà – Fuck it
Falsetto – Faggot voice
Al Fresco – In the rain
Avocado – Tasteless fruit
Bonanza – Prebrexit economy
Neandertal – Boris Johnson
Kindergarten – Brat place
Ghetto – Britain
Cul de Sac – Fucked up situation
Quid pro quo – I scratch your back and you scratch mine
Reach an Impasse – To be fucked
Barista – pretentious barman
Latte – Milky coffee
Lasagna – Potato-less Shepherd’s Pie
Panini – Pretentious sandwich
Dear President Tajani,
Thank you for your letter.
made of quid pro… I scratch your back and you scratch mine efforts, and British people can easily avoid using words borrowed from European languages. We are sure that the English language will continue to be the English of the world and will remain as effective and elegant as ever without foreign help.
Negotiations are not fucked, this is not a fucked up situation, and our great nation will never become the Britain of Europe. Europeans are always welcome and will not be treated as pricks, as we recognise the huge contribution to our economy given by Europeans, with Romanians building our houses, Poles unblocking our shitplaces, pretentious-barmen from Italy serving fancy milky coffees , and sexy-young-squatters from France taking care of our children.
The path ahead of us is uncertain but fuck it, we are sure that, at some stage, Brexit will give us the promised pre-Brexit-Economy and restore Britain to its former glory.
P.S. As I will be busy next week with that Boris Johnson of Boris Johnson, I need to take a rain check on your invitation. Of course you are always more than welcome here in London for a lunch in the rain, with proper prePints-pint and postPints-pint, followed of course by your beloved post-prandial-nap-for-lazy-mediterraneans.
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom