EXCLUSIVE – Exchange of emails between Theresa May and Antonio Tajani revealed

Dear Prime Minister May,

As part of the ongoing Brexit negotiations, we have decided to accept your requests regarding the freedom of movement for British citizens in order to avoid a Hard Brexit. In exchange, however, we have decided to terminate immediately the long-term loan of European words to the English language.

I attach a list of some of the loanwords in question, together with suggestions for alternatives that your language already possesses, and which we regard as more suitable to your newly developed distaste for cosmopolitan attitudes.

P.S.  It would be great if you could come to Brussels next week to discuss the matter face to face over moules frites, waffles and some real beer.

Antonio Tajani
President of the European Parliament


LIST OF WORDS ON TEMPORARY LOAN TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (part 1 of 148)

Persona Non Grata – Prick

Siesta — Post-Prandial-Nap-For-Lazy-Mediterraneans

Bon apetit – no translation necessary for British food

Toilette – Shitplace

Aperitif – PrePints-Pint

Au pair – Sexy-young-squatter

Digestif – Postpints-pint

Lingua Franca – English

Que serà, serà – Fuck it

Falsetto – Faggot voice

Al Fresco – In the rain

Avocado – Tasteless fruit

Bonanza – Prebrexit economy

Neandertal – Boris Johnson

Kindergarten – Brat place

Ghetto – Britain

Cul de Sac – Fucked up situation

Quid pro quo – I scratch your back and you scratch mine

Reach an Impasse – To be fucked

Barista – pretentious barman

Latte – Milky coffee

Lasagna – Potato-less Shepherd’s Pie

Panini – Pretentious sandwich


Dear President Tajani,

Thank you for your letter.

Negotiations are made of quid proI scratch your back and you scratch mine efforts, and British people can easily avoid using words borrowed from European languages. We are sure that the English language will continue to be the English of the world and will remain as effective and elegant as ever without foreign help.

Negotiations are not fucked, this is not a fucked up situation, and our great nation will never become the Britain of Europe. Europeans are always welcome and will not be treated as pricks, as we recognise the huge contribution to our economy given by Europeans, with Romanians building our houses, Poles unblocking our shitplaces, pretentious-barmen from Italy serving fancy milky coffees , and sexy-young-squatters from France taking care of our children.

The path ahead of us is uncertain but fuck it, we are sure that, at some stage, Brexit will give us the promised pre-Brexit-Economy and restore Britain to its former glory.

P.S. As I will be busy next week with that Boris Johnson of Boris Johnson, I need to take a rain check on your invitation. Of course you are always more than welcome here in London for a lunch in the rain, with proper prePints-pint and postPints-pint, followed of course by your beloved post-prandial-nap-for-lazy-mediterraneans.

Theresa May

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

 

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